There’s no other way to say this. I need to change.

According to every spiritual tradition I’ve ever come across, the point of life is to transcend the selfish, animalistic side of human nature and become a different order of being – service-oriented, humble, compassionate, accountable and tuned into the mystical, unseen side of life. In the presence of this type of transformed person, the human spirit is naturally magnetized and attracted – it hums with recognition and says ‘that’s it – I’m home.’ Even the most damaged, corrupt person has that subtle tuning fork somewhere inside them that knows what’s up.

No matter what’s happened in my life, I’ve never lost that attraction to a higher reality. My disillusionment with the Church as a teenager didn’t manage to snuff out my intrinsic sense of wonder and curiosity. Neither was my total lack of a responsible father or male role model quite enough to embitter me towards all authority… almost, but not quite. I still knew I wanted an Obi-Wan Kenobi in my story. I still had at least the desire to believe in something – the future, a sense of purpose, something Good.

That flicker of desire has led me into some incredible mentorships and experiences – artistically, personally etc. I’ve made huge efforts to cultivate and make space for this stuff. But when it comes down to it, where the rubber hits the road, my idealism hits a hard limit. And the limit is ME.

As Woody Allen once said: “I would never want to belong to any club that would have someone like me for a member.” And no matter how much I want to be Bob Marley, I’m actually more like Woody Allen. Isn’t that a bitch?

But it’s true. I can imagine incredible things – the transformation of consciousness on the planet, the culmination of all prophetic vision, the evolution of humanity into a highly advanced race of Mother Theresas spreading goodwill throughout the universe… as long as I’m not involved. No matter how well-developed my imagination is, and no matter how far my adventures take me, my knee-jerk reflex in the arena of spirituality is to be an observer, a spectactor – a fanboy of the Divine. I’m the guy who hikes all the way to the lagoon and then doesn’t get in the water. “No, you guys go ahead. I’ll just be over here, in my knee-socks.”

Examples: Meditation. Does it make sense? Heck yeah; the whole world would probably change overnight if people would actually sit down and reflect for 15 minutes a day on what they’re really about. I encourage anyone to try it and watch what happens! Do I do it? Nope. Never have.

Therapy/12-Step etc: Does it help? Of course; there are countless stories of people overcoming insane obstacles through counselling of all kinds, including trauma therapy and AA, which if my Dad had stuck with it, I’d still have a Dad. So where do I sign up? Ummmmmmm….

Last one – health & healing. Is food medicine? Are we really what we eat? Are there ways to bring the body into balance, freeing up energy and resources for a longer and more fully-lived life? You betcha! Not only that, but if we were concerned about our holistic well-being, 3/4 of the world’s most evil industries would be brought to their knees, starting with tobacco, alcohol and genetically modified food. What’s not to like? Now can you point me to the nearest KFC??

We could talk about finances, organization, healthy boundaries, you name it. My point is, it has come to my attention that this pattern is creating serious dissonance in my life. Being in the bleachers isn’t cutting it anymore. And as I enter the realm of bringing my music and creativity into the world, developing friendships with far-flung folks everywhere and trying to share something authentic, my capacity for small-talk is almost nil. Especially in a blog. So here it is: the messy truth, me in the frying pan of the soul, trying to work it out. I’m sure I’ll still find time for the occasional random comment about what’s on TV or a 5-page treatise about the merits of a certain guitar or amplifier – but the truth is, that’s not the real story here.

I need to change, in order to believe in change. And I need to believe in change.

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